Peer review

Peer review

강덕현November 10, 2014 at 8:16 PM

20401 강덕현

020401dukhyun.blogspot.com

Grade
According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?
.4.................................................................................................................................................

How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?
The reasons are not organized well. After reading it, I can't remember the information about why early education is bad. Thus, to improve this essay i think the author should make an effort to organize the reasons well. ..............................................................................................................................................

Thesis
What is the thesis?
early childhood education is not effective.
..................................................................................................................................................

Is the thesis clear and debatable?
.Yes/ Yes...............................................................................................................................................

If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?
early childhood education is not effective.
..................................................................................................................................................

Any other thoughts?
This is quite interesting topic, but if  I write on this topic, analyzing the current status of Korean parents' worries (because they might know about this fact would be also interesting. ..................................................................................................................................................

Classical Argument
Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?
The contents exist. I am certain. 하지만 내용이 구분이 되어 있지 않아서 다 섞여 있는 느낌. ..................................................................................................................................................

Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis? 
통계 자료를 사용한 것은 좋으나 조기 교육으로 고통받는 아이들의 실태라던지 좀 더 재미있는 내용이 오면 좋을 듯. ..................................................................................................................................................

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?
Narration 과 confirmation이 구분이 안된다. ..................................................................................................................................................

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?
네..................................................................................................................................................

Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?
Refutation 에는 이런 질문이 올 수 도 있을 것 같다. 선행학습도 효과적으로, 창의성을 살리면서 할 수 있지 않느냐? 아이들이 원하는 방법으로 시키면 되지 않느냐? 그럴 경우에도 효과가 없나요? .................................................................................................................................................

Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis? 
좋은데, 너무 인트로 덕션이랑 겹치는 느낌? 좀 더 세고 강렬한 결론이 필요할 듯. .................................................................................................................................................

What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?
.organization. definition of early education .................................................................................................................................................

Persuasion
When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis? 
동의합니다..................................................................................................................................................

When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
동의합니다..................................................................................................................................................

If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?
안바뀜.................................................................................................................................................

How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?
나는 저자의 주장에 동의하는 입장이기 때문에 이 에세이에 공감이 갔지만 선행 학습도 아이들의 창의성을 높일 수 있게끔, 강제적이지 않은 방법으로 실행할 수 있다면 ? 이러한 반박도 있을 수 있지 않을까요. ..................................................................................................................................................

Research
Is the author using research effectively? 
네.................................................................................................................................................

Is the research from appropriate sources?
.네.................................................................................................................................................

Are the sources obvious?
네..................................................................................................................................................

Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?
네.................................................................................................................................................

Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?
선행학습 외에도 아이들을 발달시킬 수 있는 방법이 이러이러한 게 있다고 설명이 있으면 좋을 것 같다. 부모님의 사랑과 관심 이런 것 말고도. ...............................................................................................................................................

강수빈November 10, 2014 at 8:17 PM

20402강수빈
http://20402kangsubin.blogspot.kr/

Grade
According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?
3..................................................................................................................................................

How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?
논지가 무엇인지 잘 모르겠다. 음악은 사람들에게 긍정적인 영향을 미칠 수 있다는 것이 논지인가? 만약 그렇다면 처음 introduction 부분에 논지를 썼어야 한다. ..................................................................................................................................................

Thesis
What is the thesis?
음악은 사람에게 (마음에? )  긍정적인 영향을 미칠 수 있다. ..................................................................................................................................................

Is the thesis clear and debatable?
명확하지만 당연해 보인다. .................................................................................................................................................

If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?
음악은 우리 생활 속 깊숙히 자리잡혀 있다. 음악을 공부할 때에 듣는 것이 공부에 방해가 안 된다. 혹은 음악의 상업적 이용이 좋다 나쁘다. 이런 식으로 썼을 것 같다. .................................................................................................................................................

Any other thoughts?
인트로에 음악이 이렇게 부정적으로 인식이 되기도 한다, 특히 이러이러한 면에서. 이렇듯 요즘엔 음악의 중요성과 긍정적인 영향을 잘 모르고 있는 사람들이 많은데 음악은 사실 엄청 긍적적인 영향도 미친다. 이런식으로 쓰면 좋을 것 같다. ..................................................................................................................................................

Classical Argument
Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?
.어디까지가 narration 인지 잘 모르겠다. 그것 외에는 다 요소가 포함되어 있는듯. .................................................................................................................................................

Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis? 
흥미롭지는 않다. 음악이 우리 삶에 자리잡고 있는 것은 다 아는 사실이고,  thesis 와 밀접한 관련에 있는 것 같지 않다. ..................................................................................................................................................

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?
음악에 긍정적인 영향을 받은 역사적 인물들을 나열했는데, 이것과 confirmation 이 뭐가 다른지 잘 모르겠다. ................................................................................................................................................

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?
그렇다. 이유를 잘 나열했다. .................................................................................................................................................

Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?
이유는 무엇인지 알겠는데 그것을 지지해주는 리서치나 연구 같은 것이 필요할 것 같다. ..................................................................................................................................................

Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis? 
결론이 요약은 잘 했는데 임팩트가 부족한 느낌이다. ......................................................................................................................

What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?
..................................................................................................................................................

Persuasion
When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis? 
동의한다..................................................................................................................................................

When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
동의한다..................................................................................................................................................

If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?
.-.................................................................................................................................................

How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?
결론과 서론부분을 좀 더 강하고 흥미롭게 쓸 필요가 있다. 그리고 narration 과 confirmation 간의 구분이 확실하게 되어야 한다. narration은 주제와 관련하여 독자들이 알아야할 정보를 제공하는 부분인데 흠.. ..................................................................................................................................................

Research
Is the author using research effectively? 
그렇다. 하지만 몇몇 .부분에서는 리서치 없이 자신의 의견만을 쓴 부분도 보인다. 역사적 인물들의 사례를 늘어 놓은 후 결론을 내는 부분도 그렇고, refutation 부분도 그렇다. ...............................................................................................................................................

Is the research from appropriate sources?
그렇다...............................................................................................................................................

Are the sources obvious?
그렇다................................................................................................................................

Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?
네..................................................................................................................................................

Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?
마지막에 refutation 부분에 음악이 집중력을 해칠 수 도 있다는 말에 반박이 약하다. 자신의 생각이 아닌 학술 연구라던가 전문가의 말을 이용해서 반박을 하면 좋을 듯 싶다. 
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